commit, endure, achieve!

in my recent bout of gym going, i have decided to do whatever it takes to decrease my boob size. yes, i'm sure it's impossible unless i lose like 10 kilos or something (unlikely at the rate i eat)...but i will try. nothing drastic...just a few kilos to see if my boobs get smaller. it would be nice to fit into a HOT top without strapping myself in.

so folks, is it possible to lose those centimetres off my bust? or is this a mission doomed from the start?

it's time for olga to say goodbye to her boobs.

bertsies

okay as many of you know there are more than one of us, hence viking MISTRESSES (note the plural), and as i would gather some of you may get confused as to which one of us is posting comments if the id is just always viking_mistresses, so to set something straight...

"you can oogle my breasts any time you like. "

that is Olga. all Olga.
not moi. not any of moi.

i'm proud of my not-so-little airbags but i haven't openly invited a free peep show for all to see.
but i see Olga has and i guess what ever gives her some kicks.

enjoy fellas!
may Olga's slightly-bigger airbags help you achieve immortality via some ooglisms.

live longer fellas!

"did you know oogling breasts can increase a man's life span??"

myth of fact?? i'll leave that up to you guys.
however glad to know that we've inadvertently increased many of you male reader's life spans out there.

i am woman

hear me roar
in numbers too big to ignore
i am strong (strong)
i am invincible (invincible)
i am WOMANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

nothing to bid cos when the level of interest in this auction sky rocketed due to oh-some-not-so-subtle-and-rather-eye-poking-out pics being posted up here, it frankly freaked me out. if you ask why, you may not want to know the answer.

so i leave you with a song. better than me singing i tell y'all. yeeha.

roll up roll up

that XXX photo was traumatising me too much. here on offer today is two lovely ladies for the price of one. starting price is $500...we can negotiate with offers. give me a break, i'm bored and completely uncreative tonight. plus i'm running out of photos.

XxX

now THAT'S what i call an optimum pair.

bid bid bid!

starting price $5...and that's for the beer

introducing...

though you'd get bored of the endless pics of girls...and we DID promise you pics of boys...and we all know what they say about hand sizes ;)

teaser #9 - pokies

for those who are more boob inclined reserve price $100
we also take no responsibilities if your eyes have been poked out.

teaser #8 - yet another auction item

i'd think the varying shapes and sizes would hint to you that they are not all the same person...but many persons. good luck! i think the boy photos are on their way.

teaser #7 - grey skies are gonna clear up

put on a happy face...reserve price $0.

teaser #6

now that's what i call an ASS...starting bid's at $30

teaser #5

now here's one for the brave to bid on!! who wants a peek at what's really underneath?? i dare you all...starting bid's at $10.

teaser #4

getting closer to showing a face...

teaser #3

hmm...depending on the amount of bids...we might try putting some faces up...or not.

teaser #2

notice a theme here? we have to keep some of the mystery!

teaser #1

you asked for it...and here it is...the beginning of the teasers. may your eye sight still be with you at the end. and it's called an ASS.

*puke*

okay that's it i refuse to blog till i see something other than my own green!
and that includes no teasers!

el cheapos

we believe that $26 to see us viking mistresses in viking gear (or there lack of..) is much too cheap.

and some major dusting is happening on our gear...much like other skeletons, they haven't seen daylight by appearing out of the closet in a LONG while.

requests + bids update again

mr adam really wants the mystery prize and we really want to make some money so we're gonna keep letting him outbid himself..

• mystery prize highest bid - $16.95
• viking mistresses in viking mistresses gear - $26 (for both vikers)

there was also mention of putting piccies up, we're more than happy to put a visual behind the names so send us your pics of yourself otherwise we will begin to choose the least flattering ones of you guys and put that up (there will be no additional costs associated with putting up piccies - we all wanna see your pretty faces).

BID!

bids update

screw the anonymous bidding stuff...

Mr "fully sik" adam has bidded on the following ppl...

• mystery prize ($15.15)
• ms viva la salsa (romantic night out)
• ms pringles pasher (err...not so romantic night out)

and there's no bid out for mr jashman, but we've noticed that there could be some kinda triangle thing developing between mr jashman, mr "fully sik" adam, and mr phil.

come guys...we've got 3 beautiful, intelligent, adventurous, funny, stunning, independent, non-clingy, gorgeous chics up for bidding and that's all we get?? challenge is on guys. we're expecting more. DON'T MAKE US CLOSE THE AUCTION DOWN!!!!

more bids!

BID #5: Mr Allycow

• one large maccas meal

BID #6: Mr Jashman

• a picture perfect picnic on the beach
• lots of photo opportunities
• bidder provides picnic and photo opportunities

BID #7: Mr Canada

• one screen door

come on girls...keep bidding...these boys are just coming off the racks!!

bids update

BID #1 - miss pringle pasher

• 1 All you can eat Pizza hut dinner.
• 1 fun night of trying to crash the Over 28 disco at shoppingtown.
• 1 romantic night in the car park of Sky high for good pashing funness.
• 3am pancake parlour experience.
  

BID #2 - mr w

• floozy of a night begins with romantic dinner for 3 (mr w, bidder and mac ibook)
• followed by ADVENTUROUS time sking/rolling down making gigantic human avalanche ball
• then to end the night, a hot cuppa of chocolate in front of the fireplace
  

BID #3 - mr andy

• whatever mr andy wants on that BIG, BIG ship of his. Ahoy captain. I will be your loyal first chic. ready to take orders captain.

BID #4 - mystery prize

• $12.00
  

p.s we are also more than willing to accept MONETARY bids.
p.p.s all bids are remaining anonomyous till all bids have been accepted
p.p.p.s we would just like to remind everyone to think of current age restrictions - some may not be able to crash over 28 discos cos they aren't over 28. some clients may be nowhere near the age of 28 and this ain't even with the help of botox...yet

hot property

BACHELORETTE #3: Miss Pringles Pasher

bachelorette #3 here is the epitome of fine. she has no qualms about flashing her breast 'bum-crack' cleavage to the population. always adorned in her floral tops and mini skirts, miss pasher has those hot dandenong bachelors on the train chanting her name. her taste for life...and all things edible is one to be envied by many...one just has to observe her eating her namesake...those tasty pringles.

but wait...you want to hear how she will treat you as her man. miss pasher will make you feel extra special, she has knowledge that far outweighs dr feelgood. not only, she will make all things equal. there is no need to look after miss pasher...she will take care of herself...although a flower drum dinner here and there goes a long way boys. so what more can you ask for? a nice healthy girl with a passion for selective independence and boy bands.

and to add some extra hints, miss pasher is after an extra sensitive man who can listen intently to the details of her life. he must wear pink and have experience in paramedics (to revive her after she swoons over him), as well as provide intellectual conversation on that beastly man's sport of football. better if he plays football in tight little pink shorts...and nothing else.

get bidding boys!

chic ahoy

BACHELORETTE #2: Miss Viva La Salsa

bachelorette #2 is as unique as asians in springvale or doncaster. this bachelorette has recently abandoned ship, and crossed over to the dark side, but is a champion of all things great and small, furry and slippery and if ever her departing message would be "thank you for the fish". bachelorette #2 doesn't let the limits of life dampen her quest for adventures and spirituality and her go-get-them attitude even includes her talent for "hoovering" down ferrero rocher chocolates. if you're lucky guys, she'll eat them layer by layer.

her heart of coal, frozen in ice and time, occasionally melts with the odd spray of windex. bachelorette #2 mightly enjoys romantic walks down the steep slopes of fox glacier whilst watching the rain hail down on the seductive view of dirty ice. afterwards bachelorette #2 enjoys the therapeutic effects of a hot shower and prancing in green, green panties.

much more could be said about bachelorette #2 but i've much overextended the 25 words or less limit as it is already. short and sweet version, guys, she will make a man out of you cos she's a woman, as in W-O-M-A-N. hear her roar. cos she's frankly too big to ignore.

new victi...i mean bachelors!

BACHELOR #11: Mr Phil
if you want the broody male type, then mr phil is your man. his previous occupation was captain of a very famous ship...of which i will let you guess. he has since sold the ship and moved on to...sitting on the pier. ANYWAY, if you're after handy hair styling tips and you want mr phil to give you a whole new look, then bid now! although mr phil is the quiet type...we recommend you feed him some alcohol for a REAL good time.

BACHELOR #12: Mr Andy
the brand spanking new owner of the ship, mr andy will sail you away into the sunset. you will be blown away by his basketball skills, and if you're lucky...he'll score a point just for you! his team management skills will blow you away...as well as his domestic skills. mr andy will whip up meal for you in seconds...and not only will it taste good, you won't go home with food poisoning! and for the lucky girl...you'll get your clothes washed, your car cleaned, and perhaps your plants watered.

remember girls, there are still some fine bachelors waiting on your bids. bid now or you'll miss out! actually you won't...we'll just had to split them up between us. so we're BEGGING you to put out a bid

SOLD

bachelor #8 has been sold.
mr "the jono" dude is now on a new adventure of his life.

mystery prize

ladies and gentlemen, here's to spicing up our little auction.... a mystery prize

BACHELORETTE #1 : Miss Tiffany Tiger

yee har! hang on to your horses guys! bachelorette #1 has a whiplash wicked sense of humor that only jesus would love. ever ready, ever helpful, bachelorettte #1 has an utmost holy sense of loyalty, embezzle the royal jewels and she'll still stand by ya. bachelorette #1 also knows that what she wants she always gets...if there was candy to steal from a baby...she would. bachelorette #1 also doesn't ever say no.....to anything....or anyone. gentlemen, the tiger has been unleashed, grrrr.....and who is it that can tame her?

lucky 10

BACHELOR #10 : Mr "Fully Sik" Adam
Ladies and gentlemen, bachelor #10 is our latest signing in our little black book. and girls, he's the one for you if you're sick of the dating games and all it's dirty tricks. bachelor #10 is a fun-loving, fun-exploring, fun-hard working type of guy. i think he's saying his just FUN. bachelor #10 has also stated his intentions and greatest assest is the fact that he frankly is not going anywhere, so girls who wants a stayer sign up quick. he's ready to take you, the lucky bidder out, out for your complimentary laps on chaps. fully sik girls.

new opening

yes girls, there is a new opening since we just sold one lucky male. we'll continue on with the number system since we want all of our bachelors to feel special and unique.

BACHELOR #9: Mr Jashman
here's a guy with the qualities that few ex mhs guys have. a sense of humour, intelligent...and working a full time job at NAB. that means money money money girls! mr jashman has a real knack for photography...he'll happily take photos of you ALL DAY LONG. ok i don't know about that whole night time photo thing...but whatever takes your fancy. for the potential model type girls out there...here's a chance to have your own personal photographer.

SOLD

bachelor #7 has been sold.
mr chunks is now on a new adventure of his life.

name your price...

okay just to add on some more unwilling guys that we, Helga and Olga, are happy to help "sell" off

BACHELOR #6 : Mr Canada
and here is one with international flavour girls. many (one - Olga) has said said that he is much in the same vein as Mr Pinky, but with a twist! he'll charm the pants of you (literally) with his northen accent all the while keeping an one eye on his next conquest. and girls, mr canada will shortly have his own 3 bedroom bachelor pad....and that's a lot of room.

BACHELOR #7: Mr Chunks
girls girls girls...there can only be one thing said about this bachelor. it sums him up. it says all about him. and it is just so damn irresistible. he is jude law and fat albert in one. HOT. need i say more? well okay i shall then. bachelor #7 also has the amazing ability to count (so far up to the number 3) and he also knows what syllables are. what a keeper! he's also a lover of the fine cusine of bananas, and his favourite make out spot is at the Reject Shop.

BACHELOR #8: Mr "The Jono" Dude
Bachelor #8 is at the current time on a hiatus and possibly scoping out international talents at the moment in the country of U-S-of-A, but do not dispair girls, he is still on the market (or so we think). got a fetish for the quiet, unassuming, tall dark mysterious type?? then we have the bachelor for you! quiet this bachelor may be, but he knows how to take you out for a ride of your life and paint the town red...New York, New York. tall, 200 tonnes, immobile, statuette, miss liberty types need only apply.

for SALE

free dating service now are we? well, we happen to have a few eligible males to be auctioned off. i'd give them a post each...but they're not that eligible. muahahaahahah.

BACHELOR #1: Mr Allycow
now here's a perfect example of everything you could ask for in a guy. he cooks yummy pasta mixes, he'll drive you home at amazingly daredevil speeds (albeit he needs glasses to drive which you might want to buy him) and he lives in the central area of DONCASTER...which happens to be only 5-10 minutes away from EVERYTHING. he's your typical mr fix-it when it comes to computers, and best of all...HE FINDS OUR BLOG ENTERTAINING. so here's to ali...he's our top eligible male.

BACHELOR #2: Mr Soh
a genuine nice guy, mr soh happens to be good pals with mr allycow. that means good guy by association, right? anyway, mr soh is your "thinker" male...if only his blog was still up. if deep philosophical conversations at the PP are your thing...then go for this one. here is also a guy who will offer to drive you home...even when you wait until the very last second of a night out to ASSUME a ride home from your poor unsuspecting friends. we find mr soh holds many an interesting conversation, contrary to popular belief.

BACHELOR #3: Mr Tom
this one isn't so eligible...but i'm willing to swap him for a better one. it would be a privilege to end up with this one...you'll get to cook and clean for him all the time. in return, he will drive you around in a new car every week (highly recommended) and he scrubs up ok on the odd 1/100000000000000000000000 occasion. this here is your typical manly man...complete with chauvinistic tendencies. no need to take him shopping or account for his dietary requirements...because he has none. there is only one descriptor for this one...garbage disposal diet.

BACHELOR #4: Mr Pinky
now this one is a real winner. unfortunately he's listed as number 4 because...well you'll find out soon enough. mr pinky is a charmer (as noted by helga)...yet this luckily all fades with time. he'll take you shopping to every overpriced place there is in the city...and even show you his $400 jeans of choice. and if there are any girls out there who are in love with the colour pink...then this one is your man. for anyone who wants a guy who is all talk and no action...then pick #4 and you'll score!

BACHELOR #5: Mr W
i had to put this one up for helga. i actually don't know mr w too well...but well...let's see where this one leads us. mr w is only for girls who are ADVENTUROUS and INTELLIGENT. along with this, mr w seems to possess a certain sense of narrow-mindedness that seems common with some of the other bachelors on offer. i'm sure he will help you out with all your studies with his AMAZING POWERBOOK. floozy girls from melbourne uni need only apply.

no time limit for this auction. first in first served i say. we don't discriminate...female or male bidders are welcome. eligible bachelors may also apply for their description up here.

WARNING: severe doses of sarcastic content

my bra is burning

i hope that you smacked him hard olga....real hard (and no not in *that* way cos that is way too much info overshare).

so in definace to pseudo "olga" 's post i have decided to burn my bra in protest.
and no not my elle macpherson intimates bra. that would be just wrong on so many levels. i'm burning my fire engine red bra. choo choooo!

so bring it only fellas. PROVE that you could in a fantasy parallel universe world that you may have the capabilities to be the "superior" sex. don't worry i won't bite anyone's heads off...this is after all a joke/healthy intellectually stimulating debate.

Helga's Angerometer for the day...

[...>)...............] (i'm feeling much happier today)


p.s i have been asked the following questions so let's clear up some confusion...

this blog is in no way/we are in no way:

• sending cryptic messages to martians from outerspace, planning details for the ending of this world
• written by males who just wanna screw with other male's minds (besides tom who crashed our blog)
• a new age method of communication for the Priory of Sion, therefore we do not know where the Holy Grail is
• a dating service...well a free one at least

p.s hi adam who thinks we're nuts!
p.p.s i'm smelling nice today.

give me a little credit here

if you, dear readers, thought that was me posting below...then you are sadly mistaken. would you think that one...if any of us...would proclaim something as absurd as "women are inferior to men"?? I JUST HAD TO PROOFREAD THE DAMN POST.

this is the real olga's response to aforementioned post.

it is the so-called inferior woman that is the weakness of man.

enough said.

i have to finish this off before i smack the very CHAUVINISTIC male author sitting next to me.
p.s. no i didn't take it seriously. i just like a good argument and a chance to add in some not-so-subtle malicious content in my posts.

Learning to accept my role in life

I've had a thought. Why is it women are automatically viewed as the secondary gender even now in todays society? Is it really fair to view us as a less-than-equal?
After much consideration i've concluded that it is in fact a fair assumption. And whilst there may be a few if not many fellow femalians and there who may not agree with this view, it is one that is deserving of our role in society.
One has to ask themself - what is my contribution to society? As a male you would answer - I provide entertainment for the masses with my amazing skills; I make the world a better place through being hard-working and through my various talents; I give reason for being; I am reason for being.
As a female, you would answer - I can cook and clean, although come to think of it - how many great lady chefs are there?.
Entertainment no doubtably is a man's specialty. How much less enthralled are we when we watch a womens tennis match? or how much less amused are we of a womens stand up routine? I guess we 'may' be of entertainment of the adult kind, but should we be proud of that? - well considering there's not much else can we be proud of...
Men are, in general, more muscular, fit, and strong than their un-male counterparts. So even as we are born, we are already being moulded from a body type that is inferior. We as women should embrace our inferior bodies and leave everything else to our more than capable opposites.
It has been researched and proven that women often do not think logically. We think too much. We are obsessed by fashion and image, which oddly enough are things perpetuated by magazines controlled by.. women. Thinkers we are.
Finally, we are described as being not-man. We are women, female. If man were the inferior kind, they'd be called fewomen or wofemale. With such a reliance on men, we certainly are in no position to question our place in society.
Anyway, i have to get going - i'm not done cleaning in this mans world
Cheerio - Olga