The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! helga is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, olga. So everyone, please put your hands together for helga!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now helga you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: jally.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well jally, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you helga, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... sally!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a cookie. sally reaches for the scratching post. Out of the shadows chunks appears]
chunks: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here sally.
sally: Because I saw helga and chunks making out at reject shop!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
chunks: That's a lie! I was home watching pride and prejudice!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem sally?
sally: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with olga who has recently become engaged to chunks.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring olga out here because helga had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... jally that's right!
olga: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with jally! You know how I feel about jally!
chunks: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with jally!
olga: Because I knew that I could never have jally. But helga promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
chunks: What about respect for my feelings!
[sally walks suddenly across the stage, embracing olga]
sally: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
chunks: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[chunks runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
chunks: helga take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
chunks: Married?
[You nod]
chunks: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to jally.
olga: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
jally: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 666 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... helga is married to jally who olga has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now olga has recently become engaged to chunks who was recently spotted kissing helga in reject shop. Now on top of this, sally has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with olga.
jally: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! helga is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, olga. So everyone, please put your hands together for helga!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now helga you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: jally.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well jally, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you helga, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... sally!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a cookie. sally reaches for the scratching post. Out of the shadows chunks appears]
chunks: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here sally.
sally: Because I saw helga and chunks making out at reject shop!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
chunks: That's a lie! I was home watching pride and prejudice!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem sally?
sally: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with olga who has recently become engaged to chunks.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring olga out here because helga had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... jally that's right!
olga: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with jally! You know how I feel about jally!
chunks: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with jally!
olga: Because I knew that I could never have jally. But helga promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
chunks: What about respect for my feelings!
[sally walks suddenly across the stage, embracing olga]
sally: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
chunks: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[chunks runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
chunks: helga take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
chunks: Married?
[You nod]
chunks: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to jally.
olga: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
jally: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 666 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... helga is married to jally who olga has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now olga has recently become engaged to chunks who was recently spotted kissing helga in reject shop. Now on top of this, sally has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with olga.
jally: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]
posted by viking_mistresses at 12:56 PM
12 Comments:
-bursts out into insane hysterical laughter- omg i have to stop reading these things in the comp labs at uni. mate, you left out a few vital characters.
I'm confused now! Look what you've done!
I don't know who 'You' is.
you is me.
Oh.. of course.
Of course the show has it's fair share of cleavage, I'd imagine yes?
Of course. I'd imagine it would have more than its fair share of cleavage actually.
and where would all this cleavage come from????
I think of all the people in the world, those Swedish Viking Mistresses would have plenty to share around. In the armour clad clothes that they wear.
and why would we be showing our clevage???
Because you normally do?
but now i will be wearing our army issued kevlar standard chest plated armour clad clothes....it kinda takes some effort to get the gear off for some cleavage looksies
have you not seen those operas where the performer is some huge (big and portly) lady with whole viking outfit and it's the whole cleavage thing? singing about how her viking husband will save her from the evil and villaneous sea?
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